First Time Nerves
By Lisa Burns
“Should I go through with this? Healing is painful. I have responsibilities - my job, my family, my church – Can I really focus on healing when I have everything else to think about? Am I really ready to go through the pain of the experience all over again?”
A Beginning
I walk down the tiled hall hearing only the soft thud of my shoes and a murmur rising up from the room ahead. Weeks before I was told what to expect from this group – the questions, group leader names, what book to buy. I am still not convinced I need this group. It happened 20 years ago. Sure, I never talked about it. None of my friends know about it. But I don’t really want anyone to know. I know how people can be. They aren’t always kind to those who are post abortive.
My heart beats faster as I step inside the room. It looks like the rest of the group already arrived and claimed their defensive positions in the plush armchairs gathered around a small coffee table. The woman I spoke to before told me there would be five of us plus the group leaders. Seeing these women now – different ages, different cultures, different backgrounds – I suddenly had the feeling of not belonging. Is it too late now to run away?
Once I take the last seat, we begin with the group expectations and introducing ourselves. “What brings you here?” That is the question I dread answering. I try to hide the catch in my voice as I share about the mistake I made 20 years ago: The feeling of the cold table and pain below my waist being replaced with a blankness in my mind after everything was done. I add in that my life now is mostly unaffected by the abortion. Mostly.
“Yes, I can definitely relate to that.” A simple sentence uttered by one of the group leaders, and yet the most profound I have heard. She relates to me?
She isn’t the only one. As the other women share their own scars and hurts, we find we each have something in common with one another. Words of encouragement and support fly around the room, landing on the woman who needs it most. The leaders allow each of us our time to share with little interruption.
Time passes quickly. Already we are talking about homework for this week and closing in prayer. I can see small smiles playing on the lips of some group members as they are guided by a leader to the door to say good-bye. Snippets of whispered conversation between leaders and members catch my ear, but nothing I can make out.
Here I sit in my armchair-shield. Should I go through with this? Healing is painful. I have responsibilities - my job, my family, my church – Can I really focus on healing when I have everything else to think about? Am I really ready to go through the pain of the experience all over again?
As the room empties, I free myself from the protection of the armchair and make my way towards the smiling leader standing next to the exit.
The leader looks at me with intention. “Before you go, I want you to think about something: You have all the right answers. But you need to check the real-estate. You need to move those answers from here,” pointing first to her head, “to here,” then to her heart. “Think on that this week. We will be looking forward to seeing you again next time!”
As I make my exit, I nod and smile. How deeply those words hit me. You know what? I look forward to next time, too.
It’s Your Time
The story is a fictional one, but it is a brief look into the experience of new members the first time in one of our support groups. Each Passages of Hope team member has been in those shoes at one point or another. We remember the fear of vulnerability, avoidance of negative emotions, and the delay of finding help because it was “so long ago” or “too much to deal with now”.
It’s time to come out from the cloud of shame and trauma.
Contact us to learn more.